I think I’m in love with you.
No, no – I know I’m in love with you.
I am completely, utterly, whole-heartedly in love with you.
Every single moment of the day you cross my mind and it’s because of the simplest things. I don’t even force you in there, it’s just like you’re always in my head, just hanging out and waiting beside my cerebellum to jump in and screw up my thought pattern.
I’m with my pals, we’re heading out for a late night breakfast downtown and all I think is, You would have really loved this.
Or we’re just walking down the street, or I’m in class, or I see a freaking dog and I’m like, I wish we were hanging out and talking and joking around about the person who just tripped.
And I just get so mad at myself, you know? Because I know that nothing will ever work out and I know because we’ve talked about it.
And it bloody sucks let me just tell you that because I would try really damn hard to make things work out between us.
But I feel like there’s never a right time to talk to you about us – and I don’t even know if you want to talk about us.
Or if there even still is an “us” for you.
And my friends say that I should initiate the conversation but we both know I would never do that because when have we ever openly talked about our feelings with each other?
There was that one time we were eating pizza on the curb outside of Joe’s and you started talking about your Mom and it was one of the best moments with you. I mean, it was real sad but I loved how you felt like you could talk to me about something like that.
I know we didn’t get to finish that conversation and I always wanted to ask you about it but how in the world do you say “Hey man, remember that time you were telling me about how your Mom was dying? Could we continue that?”
I don’t know if you talk to many people about that, but it felt awesome when you opened up about something that deep and I thought, Holy shit, just don’t say anything. Don’t say a word because you’re going to ruin it. Because we both know how much I like to talk and I don’t even like the sound of my own voice.
But that was the only time I ever really felt like you actually liked me as a friend, like you felt okay with being closer to me.
I don’t think I intentionally fell in love with you. I don’t think that’s how people fall in love.
To be honest I just wanted to be “bros”, like how I am with every other guy.
But I felt so pretty that day we went downtown to the Jazz Festival in my red sundress and the weather was stupid nice and I’d never spent a whole day with a guy by myself without wanting to punch him.
And then you kissed me and it was probably one of the best first kisses I’ve ever had.
It was that slow kind of kissing, not just a peck on the lips where it happens so quickly that you’re wondering if it even happened at all.
No no, this kiss happened. It happened and it was glorious and I wanted to cry because the butterflies in my stomach were going wild.
There wasn’t one distinct moment where I was like That’s it, I love him! It just kind of grew on me when I realized how much I thought about you and how much I missed you when I wasn’t hanging out with you and how I spent a lot of my time replaying every moment of our previous hang out wondering if I said or did something completely bizarre that would make you never want to talk to me again.
And I’ve never been that self-conscious about myself around a guy.
I’ve always had this air about me when I’m hanging out with the opposite sex that’s just like, I really don’t care if you think I’m sexy because I’m too crazy and loud to be attractive anyways.
I think the fact that I had accepted myself as being a “bro” always made me less nervous around guys, and that’s why I’ve always preferred to hang out with them – I felt like they never judged me.
And you were like that at first, and then I don’t even know what happened to change that.
Maybe it was just my foolish mind. Or maybe it was how much you liked John Mayer and could play his songs on the guitar and how you never sang in front of me but there’s this thing about your voice that I’m crazy about.
And that little laugh you do gets me every time.
And I love how you tell me my hair looks so good up in a ponytail.
And you have the nicest eyes.
And I love those times when I catch you looking at me and we make eye contact and it’s just for a brief moment but I actually melt inside. Like I can feel every part inside of me get really warm, and then you make me nervous and I feel like I have to compose myself or I’m just going to scream.
And you always made me smile.
So yes, I’m in love with you and that’s that.
It’s simple but it’s really not simple at all.
And I don’t just say this kind of thing about anyone, not even my past. So you should just let those words sink in for a minute because that means a ton coming from someone like me.