I curled my hair last night…

What the heck am I holding on to?

I’m clinging to feelings and memories that I know will never reoccur and yet I still keep hoping something will come of it.

I keep looking at that phone and I swore I wouldn’t initiate this hang out but now I’m too anxious with only one day left before I head back to school.

I know what I want.

I don’t know what I want.

You never made it clear what was what and where we stood and I’ve been left hanging for far too long. I’m not trying to blame anyone here, except maybe I should be blaming myself because I have just been poisoning my mind with all of this nostalgia.

SHIT, I know that I want you.

But I want the summer you. I want every day we had together. I want to know what changed and if it was my fault. I just need to know things.

I need you to tell me you no longer have feelings for me, no matter how much I’m going to hate it, I need to hear it. Without those words I just know I’ll continue dreaming of stupid things that involve you and I’m going absolutely mad.

When did I become this person? Is this some sort of bad karma for when I used to make fun of pitiful, love-struck girls like this? I used to roll my eyes at Tumblr posts with stupid, sappy quotes about love and loss. Now I read them and – still wanting to vomit a little – I think about how much it relates to my current situation.

I, am so pathetic. I hate this person. I hate all of these thoughts. And I don’t even hate anything! Part of me wants to jump in to your arms and kiss you like mad and hope that makes everything better, like some Sarah Dessen novel. But the other part of me knows that the minute I see you I’ll shut down because I can sense the lack of hope and desire in you.

Multiple times I’ve told myself to let it go because I’m acting like a gigantic fool. But I don’t know how to act otherwise, this has never happened to me before. Yadda yadda yadda so much sap and whine – I can’t even believe myself! I’m so fed up with this person and all of these thoughts.

I suppose I just hate feeling so ignorant.

I look really pretty today. I curled my hair last night and somehow sleeping on it made it turn out even better, miraculously. I wanted you to see it today, I don’t even know why, I just did.


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