I keep having dreams about forgetting to put my clothes in my drawers or forgetting what drinks people ordered at a restaurant and having to ask them over and over again, “Sorry, was that a spritzer and a Coke?” I don’t even know what a spritzer is if someone were to ask me.
You know you’re stuck in one position of your life for too long when your dreams are the same and continuously remind you of how unfulfilling your life currently is.
It is the beginning of June – two months into summer, three to go. I am still as jobless as a dried-up worm on a sidewalk in a summer drought. My friend posted today that she “Got hired on the spot! WOOOOO!” and I wanted to commit suicide.
Lately I’ve been thinking about that a lot and that makes me very sad because I’ve never really been that person. I believe that if I stare at the walls of this house for much longer, my brain will shut down all by itself.
I know I could never do it, I love my family and my pals all too much. But sometimes I wonder whether people would consider me selfish or just very, very lost.
I’d consider myself selfish. I also wonder if my family would receive calls the next day from all of the places I applied with job openings.
Ahhhhh, Murphy’s Law.
This rut I’m living in is one that turns me into a gluttonous monster, raging at the tiniest incidents and having zero will power.
What is will power when there is no purpose to your life for the next three months?
This monster comes out in the early mornings when I wake up, stuck in a house with my Mother on a daily basis (God love her).
We discuss job hunting every day and every day I wish I had rocks for ears.
After the discussion is done, I have a couple of hours of free time before my Father gets home and discusses the job hunt with me once again.
“How’s the job search going?”
“Oh, just dandy Father! Just bunches of popsicles and rainbows and – oh, I just love to spend time applying for work with zero outcome!”
I spend most of my spare time devoted to UV rays and the Hawaiian Tropic Tanning Oil gods. Much like the dried-up worm mentioned above.
I’ve just realized my Mom has been talking to me and I have no idea what she’s said. Another downfall to…what is this? Mild depression?
I want to vomit.
I do that a lot lately. Not vomiting. Just zoning out like an asshole.
She’s going to grab coffee with our neighbour. My Mother has more of a social life then me since she lost her job.
I am simply asking to feel useful again. And maybe to not receive that disappointed stare from my Dad the minute he walks in the door that makes me want to walk out the door. And also for people to not ask me where I’m working because, truthfully, I’m very ashamed and confused as to why it is this difficult to find a job when everybody else is living a satisfying life of income (minus my Mother).
At this point, the dried-up worm has more of a purpose in life then myself. It’s just waiting for some rain to soak it up and let it slither away and here I am, sitting on my bed, waiting for a phone call.
Taking a look outside my window, the chances of it raining today are much higher then me receiving a phone call.